I opened my mouth, almost said something. Almost. The rest of my life might have turned out differently if I had. But I didn’t.

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countdown to zitao’s birthday: day N°30

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Lindsey Wixson and Xiao Wen Ju backstage at Chanel Fall 2013 photographed by Matt Irwin

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I don’t know if anybody else has this feeling. When you’re walking down the street and you catch your reflection in something like a car window or a shop window and you see your face and you think, ‘Who’s that?’. You know: ‘That’s not me, that doesn’t represent who I am’. And I think I’ve recently discovered what the problem is and it’s a feeling that essentially you’re just in a room full of mirrors. You can shoot at all the reflections, but basically it’s all meaningless because you’re just trapped and you put yourself there. I’ve realised recently that it’s actually worrying about it that’s the fucking problem. It’s actually saying, ‘No, this is me, that’s not me’, and being precious about who you are, because I believe now that everyone changes all the time. I think the most unhealthy thing for a human being is to feel that they have to behave in a certain way because other people expect them to behave like that, or to feel they have to think in a certain way because what happens then is basically your mind goes round in circles.

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